I have thought a while about starting a blog for my year in Ukraine, and this is where my thinking has landed me. As I wrote in my journal last night (I still prefer the good old pen and paper in a book method by far), "I've always thought blogs were mostly cheese and never considered having one, but over the past couple weeks I've been reconsidering. I've been inspired as I read other people's weblogs and have been thinking of what sorts of things I would say if I had my own. What would I call it? What would I write? So now I find myself reconsidering... Maybe it's not such a bad idea. Maybe I'll give it a try. Maybe I won't." And, as you can see, I have chose the former, not the latter.
So to start off, and because this next year of my life will not be a typical one for me, I am going to let you into the pages of my journal over the last number of months with excerpts that pertain to my year in Ukraine, as a participant in MCC's SALT program.
January 16, 2005
Sometimes when I get thinking about it, I wonder why on earth I've planned on doing this. It's not at all what I want to do. Those are the times when I think of being away from home - all my friends and family - for an entire year; of going to a foreign country all alone, where I don't even know the language; of how hard it may be. Those are the times I do not think about how much all the positive aspects of this thing outweigh the hard things. I still often get hung up on how scary it will all be, and then I wonder why I am doing this.
March 29, 2005
What if I don't get an invitation? What if I don't get a placement? Those thoughts keep running through my mind, especially now that so many placements are filled. It's hard for me to remember that I have given this to God and it's in His hands. I have asked Him to give me the placement He wants me to have. Why am I so afraid then? I've been counting now on going away come August. What will I do if that doesn't happen? Can I learn to accept and even be content with the fact that maybe God's will is for me to stay here for another year? 'For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you' Isaiah 41:13
May 30, 2005
Three months from now I will be there. Three months from now, the comfortable life I am now enjoying will be no more. Life as I know it now will cease to exist. All will be new, all will be different. It's hard for me to get my mind around that. How my entire life is going to change so completely.
June 16, 2005
After I awoke from my nap, I just sat for a long while and had a good cry. I started thinking about being away. I was sitting on my cedar chest, looking out the window, watching the trees and the clouds and the sky, and thinking of how it will be so long a time that I will not be able to look out that window and see that tiny part of my world.
July 11, 2005
I sometimes have trouble deciding on my purpose in all this. Is it for me to grow and learn? Or is it for me to give of myself and serve and help others? I know both will occur, but it almost seems arrogant of me to think that I have something to offer these people. However, it seems selfish of me to think this whole year will be just for my benefit and growth. I guess I need to go willing to give and serve, and expecting to learn and grow in the process. Is there balance in that?
July 20, 2005
I said goodbye to Riki tonight. See you in a year. I cried. She told me she loves me. I told her thanks for being such a great friend. Also that I will miss her so much. I cried all the way home. I miss her already.
August 11 2005
It seems that when you go away for a year, everyone feels the need to tell you before you leave things you never expected to hear.
August 14 2005
Part of me wants to keep these last few days from slipping away. I get feeling a bit panicky when I think of how little time I have left at home. I don't know if it's possible, but I feel as though I am already homesick and I haven't even left yet!
August 18 2005
Tonight I went out with my friends and had a lovely evening at the Symposium cafe in Uptown Waterloo. I got a little teary saying goodbye, but I didn't cry much. I wasn't thinking about it all too much, and so I didn't get too emotional. I think I kind of distanced from myself thoughts of the implications. It was easier then, but I feel a little bad that I din't show more emotion for my friends, as though they were expecting a large display of tears. Silly, I know.
August 19, 2005
Before leaving, Mom, Dad, Colin and I had our traditional beforegoingaway prayer. I started crying as soon as we joined hands and started to pray, and I didn't stop until we were pretty much there. I remember Mom's voice breaking in her prayer on the word SEPARATION, which made me cry all the harder. Thankfully the goodbyes are over now, and I am actually feeling a fair degree of excitment now.
There you have a few snapshots of some of my feelings leading up to this adventure I am now beginning. Sorry this entry was so long, but I guess if you are still reading you have been able to deal with the length, and are at least somewhat interested in what I'm saying. Once I arrive in Ukraine after flying out on Sunday, I don't know how regularly I will be able to post. I guess we'll just see how it goes though...
So to start off, and because this next year of my life will not be a typical one for me, I am going to let you into the pages of my journal over the last number of months with excerpts that pertain to my year in Ukraine, as a participant in MCC's SALT program.
January 16, 2005
Sometimes when I get thinking about it, I wonder why on earth I've planned on doing this. It's not at all what I want to do. Those are the times when I think of being away from home - all my friends and family - for an entire year; of going to a foreign country all alone, where I don't even know the language; of how hard it may be. Those are the times I do not think about how much all the positive aspects of this thing outweigh the hard things. I still often get hung up on how scary it will all be, and then I wonder why I am doing this.
March 29, 2005
What if I don't get an invitation? What if I don't get a placement? Those thoughts keep running through my mind, especially now that so many placements are filled. It's hard for me to remember that I have given this to God and it's in His hands. I have asked Him to give me the placement He wants me to have. Why am I so afraid then? I've been counting now on going away come August. What will I do if that doesn't happen? Can I learn to accept and even be content with the fact that maybe God's will is for me to stay here for another year? 'For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you' Isaiah 41:13
May 30, 2005
Three months from now I will be there. Three months from now, the comfortable life I am now enjoying will be no more. Life as I know it now will cease to exist. All will be new, all will be different. It's hard for me to get my mind around that. How my entire life is going to change so completely.
June 16, 2005
After I awoke from my nap, I just sat for a long while and had a good cry. I started thinking about being away. I was sitting on my cedar chest, looking out the window, watching the trees and the clouds and the sky, and thinking of how it will be so long a time that I will not be able to look out that window and see that tiny part of my world.
July 11, 2005
I sometimes have trouble deciding on my purpose in all this. Is it for me to grow and learn? Or is it for me to give of myself and serve and help others? I know both will occur, but it almost seems arrogant of me to think that I have something to offer these people. However, it seems selfish of me to think this whole year will be just for my benefit and growth. I guess I need to go willing to give and serve, and expecting to learn and grow in the process. Is there balance in that?
July 20, 2005
I said goodbye to Riki tonight. See you in a year. I cried. She told me she loves me. I told her thanks for being such a great friend. Also that I will miss her so much. I cried all the way home. I miss her already.
August 11 2005
It seems that when you go away for a year, everyone feels the need to tell you before you leave things you never expected to hear.
August 14 2005
Part of me wants to keep these last few days from slipping away. I get feeling a bit panicky when I think of how little time I have left at home. I don't know if it's possible, but I feel as though I am already homesick and I haven't even left yet!
August 18 2005
Tonight I went out with my friends and had a lovely evening at the Symposium cafe in Uptown Waterloo. I got a little teary saying goodbye, but I didn't cry much. I wasn't thinking about it all too much, and so I didn't get too emotional. I think I kind of distanced from myself thoughts of the implications. It was easier then, but I feel a little bad that I din't show more emotion for my friends, as though they were expecting a large display of tears. Silly, I know.
August 19, 2005
Before leaving, Mom, Dad, Colin and I had our traditional beforegoingaway prayer. I started crying as soon as we joined hands and started to pray, and I didn't stop until we were pretty much there. I remember Mom's voice breaking in her prayer on the word SEPARATION, which made me cry all the harder. Thankfully the goodbyes are over now, and I am actually feeling a fair degree of excitment now.
There you have a few snapshots of some of my feelings leading up to this adventure I am now beginning. Sorry this entry was so long, but I guess if you are still reading you have been able to deal with the length, and are at least somewhat interested in what I'm saying. Once I arrive in Ukraine after flying out on Sunday, I don't know how regularly I will be able to post. I guess we'll just see how it goes though...
posted by Anonymous at 11:05 am
1 Comments:
Jill,
I'm so glad you decided to start a blog. Thanks so much for sharing some journal excerpts. It has been great to get a glimpse into your head, something I don't really get all that often! I got rather teary eyed myself, just reading it. We were all talking this weekend about missing you already. Shawna, in particular, was talking about having no one to go shopping with, and I think Colin is really feeling it too. Anyway, hope you had a good flight. You are already in the Ukraine as I write this!
Love, your big sis, Rachel
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